My Story
About the stories
The following are stories of youth struggling with suicidal
thoughts, the suicidal behavior of a friend, and the feelings
caused by the suicide of a family member or friend.
These stories
are based on real life experiences of teens in Maine. They are
not meant to imply that problems have "easy solutions" or
that grieving is not a painful and long process. Help is available.
There are many people in your community and in Maine who want
you to know that you are not alone.
Henry
My Dad took a new job my sophomore year and that was bad news for me. All my life I've been a pretty shy person, and moving to a new high school with lots of kids, I had a tough time making friends. It seemed like everyone at my new school was only interested in things that didn't appeal to me. I felt angry because I was the outsider, but I was also afraid of opening myself up to anyone because I had already made up my mind that they wouldn't like me. I hardly ever talked during class and I spent most of my free time alone in my room on my computer. Sometimes I chatted with old friends online; we'd play Diablo and exchange music files. I thought I would just have to get accustomed to being a loner, but as the months passed I got more and more depressed. My Dad wasn't around much with his new job, and I hated going to school so much that I started lying to my Mom about being sick so I could stay home alone. I just didn't want to get out of bed and I felt like there was no way I could ever fit in at school. One day, my Mom came home unexpectedly and found me in my room. We talked for a long time and she went on the computer to find some information. She asked me to take a depression screening test www.depression-screening.org/screeningtest/screeningtest.htm and I scored pretty high. So I had to take an anti-depressant for a while. Then one day my math teacher asked me stay after class. He told me how impressed he was with my work and he encouraged me to join a competitive math team that the school had. I did really well at the first meet and I met a lot of other cool students who were really knowledgeable about the stuff I was interested in. By the end of the year I had gained my confidence back, and I learned an important lesson that you're never as alone as you might sometimes think.
Bridget
Last year my cousin Laura attempted suicide. Since neither of us has any siblings, we act like sisters. We spent lots of time together until she moved away. That is when she started to get depressed. She started IMing me sometimes about wanting to "not deal" anymore, that life was "too hard." I was concerned but never told anyone. Then one night Laura IMed me all this stuff about how she loved me and that I was her best friend and that she never wanted to hurt me. It totally freaked me out since it was not like her to talk like that. I asked her what was up and she said "nothing." I remembered what we learned during our Lifelines suicide prevention classes and this sounded like a warning sign of suicide. This was one secret that I knew I couldn't keep. I'd rather have my cousin mad at me than to have her dead. When I got off the computer with her that night I told my mom about it. She called her sister, who found Laura in her room with an empty bottle of pills and took her to the emergency room. I'm proud that I saved her life. My cousin started taking an antidepressant and going to therapy. She's doing much better now. She even said that she is glad I helped to save her life too. We're closer than ever. Help really is available.
David
I thought that life would be better in Maine. . I was born in the Sudan, where there is an ongoing civil war. My family was forced to live in a refugee camp until finally we were approved to come to Maine. It took a lot to get here and now that we are, things are not easy. My father and mother both work at minimum wage jobs just to pay the bills, my sister gets teased at school, and we are all trying to learn English since it is not our first language. Plus everything is so different here. It is hard for my parents I can tell, and I worry about them. They want us to keep our Sudanese way of life, but life in the U.S. is not the same. Some kids at school have harassed me too, because they think I talk funny. I was not sure who to talk to about how lost and hopeless I have been feeling, but someone at school mentioned the guidance counselor so I went and she has been helping me. She mentioned a program in my neighborhood where I can go and hang out with other youth like me. I stopped by PROP’s Peer Leader program and they seemed really nice, so that is good. The guidance counselor also told me about places like Refugee Services at the Health and Human Services office in Portland for other things my family is dealing with (Note: If you don’t live in the Portland area, you can call 211 to find services in your area). Hopefully this will help all of us feel better and learn how to better cope with life in the United States.
Tim
It's not easy to be gay in my town. As a matter of fact, where
I live, it is dangerous. I've been called faggot and homo for
as long as I can remember and guys were always beating me up.
I used to lie to my parents about all the cuts and bruises I
came home with. I've felt so alone and trapped that I have seriously
considered "checking out" of my life. I didn't really
want to die; but I felt so tired of the endless harassment. Things
changed for me when a teacher noticed my bruises and asked me
about them. At first I lied to him, but he didn't buy my stories.
So I told him the truth. Come to find out, he was picked on when
he was a kid because his family was poor and they didn't have
enough money for "cool" clothes. He understood. He
put me in contact with the Gay
Lesbian and Straight Education Network and we started a chapter
at my school. He even volunteered to help me to talk to my parents.
I thought that Mom and Dad would go through the roof, and they
were pretty shocked, but Mr. W had information from Parents,
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays for them and after
a time, they accepted me for who I am. I never knew that there
were that many resources for gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered,
and questioning (GLBTQ) teens and I learned that some pretty
famous people have been gay. When I graduate, I'll be leaving
this place because it still isn't very gay friendly, but I'll
never forget Mr. W and how he helped me.
McKayla
When I was 18 and about to graduate from high school, the last thing I wanted to think about was going back to school for another four years. I couldn't wait to have more free time to do all the things I never seemed to have time for because of homework and class. So I got a job as a waitress at Outback Steakhouse and I moved into an apartment with an older friend. For about a year I felt happy about my choice, but as time passed, I started to feel disconnected from my friends and bored with my job. Plus, between rent, my car payment and car insurance, a massive cell phone bill and utility costs, it got harder and harder to make ends meet every month. I ended up having to move back home with my parents not long after my 22nd birthday. I was in debt because of credit card charges and I felt totally overwhelmed by how out of control my life had become. I felt like a failure and too ashamed to talk to anyone about my problems. It seemed like all my friends couldn’t relate because they had gone to college and were living such different lives. My nervousness about the future and doubts about myself became so strong that I couldn't sleep at night and I often thought about how much easier it would be if I could just end it. I finally decided to go to my doctor about my sleeping problems and she asked me if I was suicidal? Boy was that a relief! She suggested a good counselor. Talking to a counselor helped me overcome my insecurities, and with support from my parents I enrolled in school to get a degree in nursing. I also went to the Internet and found the Consumer Credit Counseling organization. I’m learning how to better manage my money and get out of debt. I am still not exactly sure that is what I want to do with my life but at least now I feel more hopeful about the future, even though some days are still hard.
Kim
When I first heard that my parents were going to send me to school in America for a year I was so excited, it is the dream of all my friends to come here and I was very proud. When I arrived, my host family was so kind and friendly, their house was huge and their daughter was really nice to me. After a couple of months I started to get really homesick for Korea. I hadn’t made many friends and I wanted to call my family every day but it was expensive and my parents couldn’t understand why I was unhappy . I thought that I was going to have fun all the time and make so many new friends, but really I was so sad and lonely and I had nobody to talk to. I started thinking that my friends and family back home had forgotten all about me and that nobody here even knew that I was alive. I didn’t want to go back home and disappoint my family and I didn’t want to stay here all alone. That’s when I thought everything would be easier if I were just dead.
One day my host sister heard me crying in my room and came into talk to me, and I told her what I had been thinking. We talked for a long time and she told me how it was really hard for her to start a new school and she understood what I was feeling. She told me that when she was in this situation that her parents suggested that she go to see her school counselor. She even volunteered to go with me. So we went and counselor recommended that I join some clubs at school. I did and now I have so many friends that I am sad to think that I will have to go back home soon.
Kelly
I never would have believed that someone in my family would die by suicide until I came home that day. I knew that something was terribly wrong by the look on my mother’s face. Dad had killed himself and we were left to try to go on without him. For the first few days and weeks, I felt like a zombie or that I was having a nightmare that I just needed to wake up from. My whole family was like that—alone and afraid and carrying this crushing pain. Friends didn’t know what to say so they avoided me. I felt like everyone was watching me to see if I would kill myself. It seemed as though everyone was trying to figure out what was so wrong that my Dad would take his own life. I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t hungry, and my grades started dropping. Things were a mess. We didn’t live near a place where there were support groups for people left behind after a suicide, but I found a place on the Internet called the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention which has a section called Surviving Suicide Loss. I read lots of their stuff and I didn’t feel so weird about what happened anymore. It also had a section about support groups including some for people like me. It helps me a lot to e-mail other teens who had lost a parent to suicide. They understand what I’m going through and I know that I’m not alone.
Pat
Kids can be very mean. Just ask me. I know. In middle school kids picked on me, I don’t know why, they just did and no matter what I did, it just got worse. I would pretend to be sick so that I wouldn’t have to go to school and after awhile I didn’t have to pretend anymore, I was sick, sick and tired of everything. At my high school orientation the guidance counselor talked about the Civil Rights Team. She passed out this literature that said that I had the right to feel safe at school and that no one had to right to bully another person. When the bullying continued, I decided to talk to her about what was happening to me. You know what - she listened and explained our anti-bullying policy and told me about my options. It wasn’t easy standing up for myself, but I figured that I didn’t have anything to lose. I joined the civil rights team myself because I didn’t want other kids to go through what I did. Not only am I doing better now, but I’m helping others.
Jen
Everyone thinks I am perfect. I get good grades, I am popular, and I’m the class president. People always say, “look at Jen, she’s really got it together,” but they don’t know the things I deal with. I have problems just like everyone else. My parents fight a lot and I feel like I have to be perfect all the time. Sometimes I can’t handle it. Last year my sister found an email that I had written about wanting to kill myself. She told my parents and they made me go to a counselor. I was really mad at her for telling my parents, but looking back I’m glad she did. The counselor thought that I might have a chemical imbalance and so I went to a doctor who put me on medication. I started to fell feel better after about 3 months on the medication. I still see my counselor once a week. I’ve learned to not be so hard on myself and that I am not responsible for the problems that my parents are having. Life isn’t perfect but it sure is a lot better. I just got accepted to the college of my choice, and I’m really excited about my future.
Steve
My name has been in the paper five times in the past month because everyone thinks I’m this great athlete. I’ve had Division I schools scouting me since I was a sophomore, and my dad wants me to go to the school he went to, and there’s just so much pressure being placed on me. I’m scared that I won’t be the star I am now if I go to a big school. I don’t even know if I want to go to school. These days I haven’t wanted to do a lot of anything except sleep and be by myself. I didn’t want to talk to any one about this because I knew the other guys on the team would make fun of me, tell me I was a baby and that I should just “be a man”. I started drinking a lot and smoking marijuana. It was no big deal; lots of kids were using drugs. One of my teammates caught me trying to buy a bag in the hall. He told me he had noticed that I had changed in the past few weeks and he was worried about me. He told our coach what had happened and my parents were called. I thought they were going to be really mad at me, and they were at first, until they understood how I had been feeling. I had to see a counselor, I didn’t want to, but once I realized he was an outlet for me and he didn’t make fun of me for worrying about all this stuff, I began to actually like going to him. Things are better for me now, I have a plan about what I will do when I graduate high school.
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